A Whole Lot of Depressing News, A Beautiful Blessing, and a Future Full of Hope

Folks, you are about to get an education you never asked for.  It is the explanation of why I have felt like crap for the last 4 years (actually its an issue that goes back way before mono..pretty much for my whole life).  In the words of my beloved friend Tenery, "So here's the thing..."..I'm actually really broken inside.  We could have probably guessed that....and when we showed up for the consult last week and the first thing out of the Doc's mouth was "Your wife is really sick...." My ever so sweet and adoring husband said, "Oh Doc, you didn't have to stay late to tell us this!  You coulda just called me up real quick on the phone and I could have explained it to you!"  Such a wonderful man he is sometimes.....

Okay, so I believe sometime in the last month I have mentioned that I have massive nausea and that I was nearly dead sure it must be a Mono repeat..........good thing nobody made real bets on that cause we would all be BROKE.  I seriously thought I had learned to listen to my body after being so sick.  I thought I had learned to speak it's language, or at least sorta kinda understand its mumbles and groans.  NEWS FLASH: I cannot.  In fact, I'm so absolutely terrible at it (especially after the education I got last week) that I'm pretty sure I should never have anything at all to do with the medical profession.  And I should probably also hire a full time nurse to live with us so I don't horribly misdiagnose/guess any future sickness.......ha!

So while I was still feeling incredibly nauseaus and horrible, I booked an appointment with the Aesthetics half of my Doc's office last week (as in the 4th of Dec if anyone was really trying to keep track.  You do a giant mass of blood work.....like 4 vials worth....it doesn't seem like that much, but when you don't eat anything for like a month and you already feel nauseous.....its A LOT...well that and the insurance says that it's estimated value is about $610.00...yikes.  You are also supposed to do a fitness test, a body scan and a food log.  This is supposed to happen over a week long period and then you are supposed to meet with the Doc after you bloodwork has officially come back, the scan has been analyzed....all that jazz.  Usually this is about 3 weeks from your original appointment day.  Since we were running straight into the holiday, and these tend to be extra long appointments to go over everything, they only book these on Fridays.....blah blah blah, I ended up with a January 4th appointment.  This gave me a full 2 weeks to get my body scan done, and they said no rush on the food log (good thing since i wasn't eating a ton).  We decided that I didn't need to do everything so quick.  I did the fitness test (crunches, push ups, balance tests.....ugh i am out of shape!) like the day after my appointment cause it was just convenient.
So Friday morning the office called me, but my phone was off...oops.  So they called my Mom.  Embarassing?  No, I told them to if they couldn't get me, cause I work with her, so most likely I'll be near her at some point when the phone rings.  So she calls me and says, "Al! Your blood work is back, the office said to come in today and they'll do the evaluation consult now even though the other tests are not back yet! Go today at 5!"  So I was excited! It meant we might know something before the holiday, maybe we could start some initial treatments, something!  Not for one second did I consider the fact that they close at 5pm......nor that it was HIGHLY uncommon for ANYONE'S blood work would come back in 48 hours....so I showed up at 5 as I was told.  To find 3 nurses leaving, 2 still there, and the Doc in the receptionist's chair.....still didn't think it was odd.

So the Doc says, "Take em on back!"  And they usher us into the consult room.  At this point my heart was pounding.  Just the thought of finally knowing what might be going on had me so excited!  Then the Doc comes in and after the initial hellos, he sits down and says, "In all seriousness, your wife is really sick.  Like REALLY sick."  At this point I'm pretty sure my heart fell into my stomach, gained 17 pounds, and dropped straight through the other organs to the floor.  I suddenly wanted to be sick.  The twinkle in his eye and the laughter that usually comes from a visit with him, just wasn't this time.  He was as serious as I've ever seen him.  REALLY sick.....the words were just turning over and over in my head.  He had a stack of papers in his hand, and all I could think was, "I NEED to see those.....I don't want to see those......"  So he says, "I asked the girls to call you this morning after this showed up on my desk.  This is too serious in my opinion to wait until January.  You are very sick.  And I couldn't go home today without making sure we had talked this over and possibly started treatment."  Insert minimal relief and massive amounts of nervousness here.  In order to spare you our hour and a half long convo, we'll highlight the most important of the things that were off.  There is a mighty massive list, but we are focusing on 3, and treating those 3 as they are the most serious, before we move on to tackle the rest.
Problem 1) The Thyroid (which is the hormone producing engine for the body), is not working.  Like at all.
Problem 2) Because of Problem 1, my body also has a very difficult time properly handling it's blood sugar. This results in an over abundance of insulin in the body.  I am not diabetic, but the amount of insulin is toxic.  Super.
Problem 3) Because of Probelm 1, I have a MASSIVE hormone issue.  I think I may have mentioned a few times, endometriosis and the problems it causes.  That is actually only scratching the surface.  Here's a lesson for you.  A woman's hormones, Progesterone and Estrogen should always be a 3:1 ratio.  So whatever unit it is measured, it should always be 30:10, 3000:1000, 300:100.....you get the idea.  The amount is not an issue, it is the ratio.  They need to have this ratio to be in harmony and for the body to work as it was made. Should we play a game? We'll call it "Guess the Ratio".....give up yet?  Well here's a newsflash for ya, mine is NOT a 3:1....are you shocked?  If that was a shocker for you, please sit down before moving on to the next few sentences. The following information was hard for me to swallow.  My ratio of progesterone to estrogen is........  22:362.  This estrogen dominance is creating much havoc for my insides.  Leaving it where it stands right now will result in 2 big problems.  1) Kids are out of the question.  He didn't say they were 100% never possible, just 99.9% unlikely. Shot #1 in the heart.  2) Estrogen dominance increases cancer risk immensely.  I would be lucky to continue on this path and NOT have some form of breast cancer, or any other kind for that matter before the age of 35, more like 30.  Shot #2. Commence tears, loss of breath and a knotted stomach. UGH. talk about ridiculously crushing blows.  And just mere sentences apart. 

I have to be completely honest with you... we knew it was going to be difficult to have kids when we were ready.  Even if we decided 6 months ago, we knew it was going to be a difficult road and that there would probably be some heartache.  There have been so many of my friends who have gotten pregnant so easily, and in conversation and excitement over the birth of their soon to be small one, they have often asked when we are going to have a family.  It is hard to smile and say, "it's not time yet", especially when in my head I don't know when it will be, or if it even can be.  If I'm being 100% honest with you, the question is actually incredibly crushing.  It's one I don't want to be asked.  I can't emotionally handle it, well I can, but it's nearly heartbreaking when someone discusses it. When I was 14, I had a great life plan.  I would be CEO of something by the time I was 30, be large and in charge, and then I'd have a family.  As I got older, it dawned on me, that being CEO of something was not overly important.  As my grandparents got sicker, as I got older, as life around me changed, I realized what I really wanted was a family.  My family was a foster home for newborns waiting to be adopted. We had more than 30 tiny babies who lived with us anywhere from 2 days, to 3 months.  Even though I was just another kid in the house, I was old enough to be helpful. We started about the time I turned 14 so I had some babysitting skills under my belt.  And I loved it.  I loved their tiny faces and hands, their crying and the way they try so hard to study your face until their little eyes go crossed, the way they smell, the way they curl up in your arms at 3 in the morning when their tummy hurts and you are exhausted and how their little body scooches around til its resting right over your heart....I love all of those things about a baby.  It was shortly after this that I wanted to change my life plan. (I'm sure God found this hilarious both times....and He probably still does.) I decided instead that I wanted to have a family before I had some plush corner office and a bunch of minions to work for me.  When I met Josh the end of high school, I was not looking to marry.  I wasn't even dating, nor had I been for a while.  I only ever had 2 boyfriends my whole life and went on 4 dates....but he turned out to be the one.  He had so many nieces and nephews that as much as I wanted a baby, it curbed most of my baby fever.  At least for like the first 3 months.  And then it really started to sink in that there really was nothing I wanted more.  The more time we spent watching the kids, the more days we had them over to play at our house, the more I wanted one of our own.  I knew that we couldn't even try in the first year because we needed time to settle in to marriage, but I wouldn't have minded if by some miraculous accident we ended up pregnant.  If we were being financially responsible, we would also wait a little while to make sure there was money for all of the extra expenses that come with an itty bitty.  We could handle it whenever it happened, but it would be smarter if we were usuing our brains about it.

I know that all will happen in God's timing.  I know that I should be patient about it.  Since we're being honest here, I will just flat out tell you that I am not overly successful at patience.  Nor am I good about waiting on someone elses plans or timing.  I am learning.  I am trying.  It's not easy.  Most days I really feel like crying about it at some point.  My sweet Husband has been very patient with me.  The first few days I wanted to punch him in the face because when I wanted to cry about it his response was "Why are you upset about this?  We know what the problem is and we're fixing it.  You have nothing to cry about." So logical all the time.  Obviously he doesn't have a raging hormone imbalance.  It REALLY ticked me off that he kept saying this when I wanted him to hold me and let me cry.  And then after 2 days, I realized he was right.  We DO know what's wrong now.  And that is a huge blessing that I overlooked.  I don't have to worry about what's wrong anymore, I know what's wrong.  And I have smart doctors who care about my health and are willing to do whatever to help me get better.  He stays late on a Friday night, takes my strange phone call questions and gives an endless amount of support and encouragement.  It is possible with treatment to fix the problems going on inside me.  It is possible to be healthy again.  It is possible to one day have a family.

...........So at 6:20, more than an hour after the Doc should have been home on that Friday, we left the office with hope, some words of encouragement and a massive hug.  I have a treatment plan, and I am now armed with medication.  I started the Thyroid meds and the Metformin for insulin all at once.  I waited a week for my progesterone to come in from utah.....it gave me all over hives.....so we're at a stand still in treatment for now.  We will know when I try it again in 3 days if I'm actually allergic to my own hormones or whether it was just a fluke.  After a full 3 months of consistent treatment I should start to feel better.  I should start to have energy again and motivation to get up and do something.  I am excited for that day!  After a full 6 months of treatment and good blood levels, we will start additional treatment for all of the other things that are also out of balance.  We'll add those things in one at a time to help make sure we don't over do it.  They will be necessary to have my body at optimum though.  Your vitamin D levels can't be at 11 when the scale is 22-84......oops. 

I think the most encouraging words from that appointment came when the Doc said, "While babies are nearly impossible and very unlikely right now, once we fix this and get your body right again, you will be a baby making machine!".  I sure do love that man right there for those words.  I think my poor husband's eyeballs nearly fell out of his head at those words, but that's okay.  His fear is not in children.....it's in TOO MANY children.  How one can have "too many" is beyond me.  Anywhere between 2 and 5.... or 10 is perfect for me....he says no.  It all ends at 3.......HA I say this machine will decide, especially since it will be an immensely huge blessing to finally be able to have wee ones, I might just have to produce a few extras to love on.

To My Super Hero Husband

Since this was our first ever anniversary, I thought I'd go all out with a cool gift idea.  I have been planning it out for weeks.....being sick has totally ruined all of that for me.  I didn't get it all put together like I wanted to.....but he loved it and was super happy so I guess that's all the really matters! If I haven't mentioned it before, Josh happens to be Chris Hemsworths biggest fan. Like he has the ultimate man crush on Thor...its actually pretty hilariously cute and funny. I saw a gift idea on pinterest where a wife gave her husband a gift every hour on his birthday at the same time. She did whatever number of gifts and then he got to open each one at 11:08, 12:08, 1:08 etc. I thought that was cute so I thought I'd do 13 total gifts to represent 1 year of marriage and the 13th to represent the future. I let him open them all at once cause it felt silly to wait if we were gonna be out and about all day...
So I decided to theme these gifts as super hero stuff, specifically Thor in honor of the husbands man crush. Let me tell you....there is much memorabilia and knick knacks and such for the Avengers in general, but most everything revolves around the hulk or iron man...neither of which are Thor....this was harder than I planned but I was determined.
So here are the gifts below, each with a description since I never finished the poems that went with each gift. Everything was wrapped in Avenger paper cause that's the closest thing to Thor...

 

 

Here is all of the loot unwrapped.

 

The following are in no particular order....mostly cause I'm lazy and also because that is just way too complicated....

 

 

A Thor CD for my music loving man.  Whether it becomes the soundtrack to your life, or some new music to lay down some sweet new drum recordings for, I hope it's epic.

 

A Thor mousepad for my computer geek.

 

A Thor Hammer car decal, for your beloved FJ.

 

A Thor Bobblehead, because who doesn't need a bobblehead for their desk?

 

 

A Thor mug, for the wonderful husband who makes me coffee since I suck at it and his is the best.

 

 

 

Thor Cologne, so you can smell like the super hero you are.

(I ordered this online because I just couldn't pass it up, especially after reading the description on the box(below).  Whether it smelled terrible or not, he was getting it.  And it smells amazing.  We both love it!)

 

 

 

 

A Thor story book, to gaze at the beautiful pictures of Thor, to one day read to our children, or just to actually get you to read.

 

A custom hand painted Thor Antenna ball, again to deck out the beloved FJ.

 

A Thor armor tee.  To dress like the super hero you are.

 

A Thor USB, to conquer all things on the computer.

 

Thor headphones to listen to your epic music. (And so I don't have to hear it blasting all the time.) 

Thor Stickers.  Jus because.

 

And a Thor puzzle, because you are the missing piece in mine and because we are an ever growing puzzle that I hope is a beautiful piece of art when our lives are through.

 

Happy Anniversary Husband!  Don't know how I'll top this one......guess I'd better get to thinking now!

 

 

 

Sorry for the Ultimate Cheese

I apologize for the worlds most cheesy blog title.....I have zero creativity for names and I've been trying to be good and post more, but in order to do so, I have to work from my phone.  Once upon a time when I was new to blogger I royally messed up and named two blogs the same thing, their address only one letter off.......So it's been a nightmare trying to determine which is which on my phone.  If you have any creative ideas, please feel free to share.  Until that time, or the time in which I devise something new, you have to live with this :)

Hapy One Year of Marriage!

Today we are celebrating one whole year of married life! So weird to think we have been married for a whole year already.  We have been up at the husband's parents cabin since late Thursday night.  It's nice and quiet and we have nothing to do...perfect weekend.  Minus that part where I'm constantly nauseous...but the doc gave me some anti nausea meds on Thursday and it has allowed me to eat and even go off roading!
It's super nice up here in Heber/Overgaard right now.  If you care to know, Heber/Overgaard is just a few miles down the road from the turn off for Snowflake...about an hour outside of Payson.  There isn't much here but there are lots of lovely trees. Everyday has been mid 50s and its only down to about 34 at night. We were hoping for some snow to play in, but all the snow that was forecasted for this last week, hasn't even come....so oh well.
We spent almost all of Friday in our pajamas.  We made breakfast burritos and watch the Lord of the Rings to be prepared for the Hobbit later this month.  Later on we went to Casa Ramos, which is our favorite Mexican restaurant up here and afterward we wondered around the swap meet and the antique store.  We saw the cutest wooden reindeer and a gorgeous nativity sign at the antique store.  We're going to try duplicating them since they weren't overly complicated in any way.
Today we woke up before 930, made some breakfast, opened presents (that post to follow), and then hopped in the Jeep for some off roading.  I'm pretty sure we found the bumpiest trail known to man, and it made us both nauseous, but it was totally worth it!  After that we decided to visit the wood shop where they have the most amazing bear carvings, aliens, asu sun devils, eagles and so much more.  We even learned that they will make you anything custom.  Josh wants them to make him a Thor end table for the mancave.  Then we visited the Bison Ranch shops where we got some delicious homemade apple butter and jam.  And the husband got some hilarious signs for the man cave.  We ate lunch at the Red Onion where they apparantly double charged our card, that was cool beans.  And later on we are going to make steaks for dinner.  Those are only for special occasions, so we're pretty excited about that.  And we might even make some S'mores in the fire pit if Smokey the Bear deems that an okay activity today.  Since I royally suck at picture taking, I only have one from off roading today.......but the day is not over yet, so there is a chance I might add a few more!
Thanks for a wonderful first year of marriage husband!! Can't wait for the adventure that the next year will bring!