A Whole Lot of Depressing News, A Beautiful Blessing, and a Future Full of Hope

Folks, you are about to get an education you never asked for.  It is the explanation of why I have felt like crap for the last 4 years (actually its an issue that goes back way before mono..pretty much for my whole life).  In the words of my beloved friend Tenery, "So here's the thing..."..I'm actually really broken inside.  We could have probably guessed that....and when we showed up for the consult last week and the first thing out of the Doc's mouth was "Your wife is really sick...." My ever so sweet and adoring husband said, "Oh Doc, you didn't have to stay late to tell us this!  You coulda just called me up real quick on the phone and I could have explained it to you!"  Such a wonderful man he is sometimes.....

Okay, so I believe sometime in the last month I have mentioned that I have massive nausea and that I was nearly dead sure it must be a Mono repeat..........good thing nobody made real bets on that cause we would all be BROKE.  I seriously thought I had learned to listen to my body after being so sick.  I thought I had learned to speak it's language, or at least sorta kinda understand its mumbles and groans.  NEWS FLASH: I cannot.  In fact, I'm so absolutely terrible at it (especially after the education I got last week) that I'm pretty sure I should never have anything at all to do with the medical profession.  And I should probably also hire a full time nurse to live with us so I don't horribly misdiagnose/guess any future sickness.......ha!

So while I was still feeling incredibly nauseaus and horrible, I booked an appointment with the Aesthetics half of my Doc's office last week (as in the 4th of Dec if anyone was really trying to keep track.  You do a giant mass of blood work.....like 4 vials worth....it doesn't seem like that much, but when you don't eat anything for like a month and you already feel nauseous.....its A LOT...well that and the insurance says that it's estimated value is about $610.00...yikes.  You are also supposed to do a fitness test, a body scan and a food log.  This is supposed to happen over a week long period and then you are supposed to meet with the Doc after you bloodwork has officially come back, the scan has been analyzed....all that jazz.  Usually this is about 3 weeks from your original appointment day.  Since we were running straight into the holiday, and these tend to be extra long appointments to go over everything, they only book these on Fridays.....blah blah blah, I ended up with a January 4th appointment.  This gave me a full 2 weeks to get my body scan done, and they said no rush on the food log (good thing since i wasn't eating a ton).  We decided that I didn't need to do everything so quick.  I did the fitness test (crunches, push ups, balance tests.....ugh i am out of shape!) like the day after my appointment cause it was just convenient.
So Friday morning the office called me, but my phone was off...oops.  So they called my Mom.  Embarassing?  No, I told them to if they couldn't get me, cause I work with her, so most likely I'll be near her at some point when the phone rings.  So she calls me and says, "Al! Your blood work is back, the office said to come in today and they'll do the evaluation consult now even though the other tests are not back yet! Go today at 5!"  So I was excited! It meant we might know something before the holiday, maybe we could start some initial treatments, something!  Not for one second did I consider the fact that they close at 5pm......nor that it was HIGHLY uncommon for ANYONE'S blood work would come back in 48 hours....so I showed up at 5 as I was told.  To find 3 nurses leaving, 2 still there, and the Doc in the receptionist's chair.....still didn't think it was odd.

So the Doc says, "Take em on back!"  And they usher us into the consult room.  At this point my heart was pounding.  Just the thought of finally knowing what might be going on had me so excited!  Then the Doc comes in and after the initial hellos, he sits down and says, "In all seriousness, your wife is really sick.  Like REALLY sick."  At this point I'm pretty sure my heart fell into my stomach, gained 17 pounds, and dropped straight through the other organs to the floor.  I suddenly wanted to be sick.  The twinkle in his eye and the laughter that usually comes from a visit with him, just wasn't this time.  He was as serious as I've ever seen him.  REALLY sick.....the words were just turning over and over in my head.  He had a stack of papers in his hand, and all I could think was, "I NEED to see those.....I don't want to see those......"  So he says, "I asked the girls to call you this morning after this showed up on my desk.  This is too serious in my opinion to wait until January.  You are very sick.  And I couldn't go home today without making sure we had talked this over and possibly started treatment."  Insert minimal relief and massive amounts of nervousness here.  In order to spare you our hour and a half long convo, we'll highlight the most important of the things that were off.  There is a mighty massive list, but we are focusing on 3, and treating those 3 as they are the most serious, before we move on to tackle the rest.
Problem 1) The Thyroid (which is the hormone producing engine for the body), is not working.  Like at all.
Problem 2) Because of Problem 1, my body also has a very difficult time properly handling it's blood sugar. This results in an over abundance of insulin in the body.  I am not diabetic, but the amount of insulin is toxic.  Super.
Problem 3) Because of Probelm 1, I have a MASSIVE hormone issue.  I think I may have mentioned a few times, endometriosis and the problems it causes.  That is actually only scratching the surface.  Here's a lesson for you.  A woman's hormones, Progesterone and Estrogen should always be a 3:1 ratio.  So whatever unit it is measured, it should always be 30:10, 3000:1000, 300:100.....you get the idea.  The amount is not an issue, it is the ratio.  They need to have this ratio to be in harmony and for the body to work as it was made. Should we play a game? We'll call it "Guess the Ratio".....give up yet?  Well here's a newsflash for ya, mine is NOT a 3:1....are you shocked?  If that was a shocker for you, please sit down before moving on to the next few sentences. The following information was hard for me to swallow.  My ratio of progesterone to estrogen is........  22:362.  This estrogen dominance is creating much havoc for my insides.  Leaving it where it stands right now will result in 2 big problems.  1) Kids are out of the question.  He didn't say they were 100% never possible, just 99.9% unlikely. Shot #1 in the heart.  2) Estrogen dominance increases cancer risk immensely.  I would be lucky to continue on this path and NOT have some form of breast cancer, or any other kind for that matter before the age of 35, more like 30.  Shot #2. Commence tears, loss of breath and a knotted stomach. UGH. talk about ridiculously crushing blows.  And just mere sentences apart. 

I have to be completely honest with you... we knew it was going to be difficult to have kids when we were ready.  Even if we decided 6 months ago, we knew it was going to be a difficult road and that there would probably be some heartache.  There have been so many of my friends who have gotten pregnant so easily, and in conversation and excitement over the birth of their soon to be small one, they have often asked when we are going to have a family.  It is hard to smile and say, "it's not time yet", especially when in my head I don't know when it will be, or if it even can be.  If I'm being 100% honest with you, the question is actually incredibly crushing.  It's one I don't want to be asked.  I can't emotionally handle it, well I can, but it's nearly heartbreaking when someone discusses it. When I was 14, I had a great life plan.  I would be CEO of something by the time I was 30, be large and in charge, and then I'd have a family.  As I got older, it dawned on me, that being CEO of something was not overly important.  As my grandparents got sicker, as I got older, as life around me changed, I realized what I really wanted was a family.  My family was a foster home for newborns waiting to be adopted. We had more than 30 tiny babies who lived with us anywhere from 2 days, to 3 months.  Even though I was just another kid in the house, I was old enough to be helpful. We started about the time I turned 14 so I had some babysitting skills under my belt.  And I loved it.  I loved their tiny faces and hands, their crying and the way they try so hard to study your face until their little eyes go crossed, the way they smell, the way they curl up in your arms at 3 in the morning when their tummy hurts and you are exhausted and how their little body scooches around til its resting right over your heart....I love all of those things about a baby.  It was shortly after this that I wanted to change my life plan. (I'm sure God found this hilarious both times....and He probably still does.) I decided instead that I wanted to have a family before I had some plush corner office and a bunch of minions to work for me.  When I met Josh the end of high school, I was not looking to marry.  I wasn't even dating, nor had I been for a while.  I only ever had 2 boyfriends my whole life and went on 4 dates....but he turned out to be the one.  He had so many nieces and nephews that as much as I wanted a baby, it curbed most of my baby fever.  At least for like the first 3 months.  And then it really started to sink in that there really was nothing I wanted more.  The more time we spent watching the kids, the more days we had them over to play at our house, the more I wanted one of our own.  I knew that we couldn't even try in the first year because we needed time to settle in to marriage, but I wouldn't have minded if by some miraculous accident we ended up pregnant.  If we were being financially responsible, we would also wait a little while to make sure there was money for all of the extra expenses that come with an itty bitty.  We could handle it whenever it happened, but it would be smarter if we were usuing our brains about it.

I know that all will happen in God's timing.  I know that I should be patient about it.  Since we're being honest here, I will just flat out tell you that I am not overly successful at patience.  Nor am I good about waiting on someone elses plans or timing.  I am learning.  I am trying.  It's not easy.  Most days I really feel like crying about it at some point.  My sweet Husband has been very patient with me.  The first few days I wanted to punch him in the face because when I wanted to cry about it his response was "Why are you upset about this?  We know what the problem is and we're fixing it.  You have nothing to cry about." So logical all the time.  Obviously he doesn't have a raging hormone imbalance.  It REALLY ticked me off that he kept saying this when I wanted him to hold me and let me cry.  And then after 2 days, I realized he was right.  We DO know what's wrong now.  And that is a huge blessing that I overlooked.  I don't have to worry about what's wrong anymore, I know what's wrong.  And I have smart doctors who care about my health and are willing to do whatever to help me get better.  He stays late on a Friday night, takes my strange phone call questions and gives an endless amount of support and encouragement.  It is possible with treatment to fix the problems going on inside me.  It is possible to be healthy again.  It is possible to one day have a family.

...........So at 6:20, more than an hour after the Doc should have been home on that Friday, we left the office with hope, some words of encouragement and a massive hug.  I have a treatment plan, and I am now armed with medication.  I started the Thyroid meds and the Metformin for insulin all at once.  I waited a week for my progesterone to come in from utah.....it gave me all over hives.....so we're at a stand still in treatment for now.  We will know when I try it again in 3 days if I'm actually allergic to my own hormones or whether it was just a fluke.  After a full 3 months of consistent treatment I should start to feel better.  I should start to have energy again and motivation to get up and do something.  I am excited for that day!  After a full 6 months of treatment and good blood levels, we will start additional treatment for all of the other things that are also out of balance.  We'll add those things in one at a time to help make sure we don't over do it.  They will be necessary to have my body at optimum though.  Your vitamin D levels can't be at 11 when the scale is 22-84......oops. 

I think the most encouraging words from that appointment came when the Doc said, "While babies are nearly impossible and very unlikely right now, once we fix this and get your body right again, you will be a baby making machine!".  I sure do love that man right there for those words.  I think my poor husband's eyeballs nearly fell out of his head at those words, but that's okay.  His fear is not in children.....it's in TOO MANY children.  How one can have "too many" is beyond me.  Anywhere between 2 and 5.... or 10 is perfect for me....he says no.  It all ends at 3.......HA I say this machine will decide, especially since it will be an immensely huge blessing to finally be able to have wee ones, I might just have to produce a few extras to love on.

To My Super Hero Husband

Since this was our first ever anniversary, I thought I'd go all out with a cool gift idea.  I have been planning it out for weeks.....being sick has totally ruined all of that for me.  I didn't get it all put together like I wanted to.....but he loved it and was super happy so I guess that's all the really matters! If I haven't mentioned it before, Josh happens to be Chris Hemsworths biggest fan. Like he has the ultimate man crush on Thor...its actually pretty hilariously cute and funny. I saw a gift idea on pinterest where a wife gave her husband a gift every hour on his birthday at the same time. She did whatever number of gifts and then he got to open each one at 11:08, 12:08, 1:08 etc. I thought that was cute so I thought I'd do 13 total gifts to represent 1 year of marriage and the 13th to represent the future. I let him open them all at once cause it felt silly to wait if we were gonna be out and about all day...
So I decided to theme these gifts as super hero stuff, specifically Thor in honor of the husbands man crush. Let me tell you....there is much memorabilia and knick knacks and such for the Avengers in general, but most everything revolves around the hulk or iron man...neither of which are Thor....this was harder than I planned but I was determined.
So here are the gifts below, each with a description since I never finished the poems that went with each gift. Everything was wrapped in Avenger paper cause that's the closest thing to Thor...

 

 

Here is all of the loot unwrapped.

 

The following are in no particular order....mostly cause I'm lazy and also because that is just way too complicated....

 

 

A Thor CD for my music loving man.  Whether it becomes the soundtrack to your life, or some new music to lay down some sweet new drum recordings for, I hope it's epic.

 

A Thor mousepad for my computer geek.

 

A Thor Hammer car decal, for your beloved FJ.

 

A Thor Bobblehead, because who doesn't need a bobblehead for their desk?

 

 

A Thor mug, for the wonderful husband who makes me coffee since I suck at it and his is the best.

 

 

 

Thor Cologne, so you can smell like the super hero you are.

(I ordered this online because I just couldn't pass it up, especially after reading the description on the box(below).  Whether it smelled terrible or not, he was getting it.  And it smells amazing.  We both love it!)

 

 

 

 

A Thor story book, to gaze at the beautiful pictures of Thor, to one day read to our children, or just to actually get you to read.

 

A custom hand painted Thor Antenna ball, again to deck out the beloved FJ.

 

A Thor armor tee.  To dress like the super hero you are.

 

A Thor USB, to conquer all things on the computer.

 

Thor headphones to listen to your epic music. (And so I don't have to hear it blasting all the time.) 

Thor Stickers.  Jus because.

 

And a Thor puzzle, because you are the missing piece in mine and because we are an ever growing puzzle that I hope is a beautiful piece of art when our lives are through.

 

Happy Anniversary Husband!  Don't know how I'll top this one......guess I'd better get to thinking now!

 

 

 

Sorry for the Ultimate Cheese

I apologize for the worlds most cheesy blog title.....I have zero creativity for names and I've been trying to be good and post more, but in order to do so, I have to work from my phone.  Once upon a time when I was new to blogger I royally messed up and named two blogs the same thing, their address only one letter off.......So it's been a nightmare trying to determine which is which on my phone.  If you have any creative ideas, please feel free to share.  Until that time, or the time in which I devise something new, you have to live with this :)

Hapy One Year of Marriage!

Today we are celebrating one whole year of married life! So weird to think we have been married for a whole year already.  We have been up at the husband's parents cabin since late Thursday night.  It's nice and quiet and we have nothing to do...perfect weekend.  Minus that part where I'm constantly nauseous...but the doc gave me some anti nausea meds on Thursday and it has allowed me to eat and even go off roading!
It's super nice up here in Heber/Overgaard right now.  If you care to know, Heber/Overgaard is just a few miles down the road from the turn off for Snowflake...about an hour outside of Payson.  There isn't much here but there are lots of lovely trees. Everyday has been mid 50s and its only down to about 34 at night. We were hoping for some snow to play in, but all the snow that was forecasted for this last week, hasn't even come....so oh well.
We spent almost all of Friday in our pajamas.  We made breakfast burritos and watch the Lord of the Rings to be prepared for the Hobbit later this month.  Later on we went to Casa Ramos, which is our favorite Mexican restaurant up here and afterward we wondered around the swap meet and the antique store.  We saw the cutest wooden reindeer and a gorgeous nativity sign at the antique store.  We're going to try duplicating them since they weren't overly complicated in any way.
Today we woke up before 930, made some breakfast, opened presents (that post to follow), and then hopped in the Jeep for some off roading.  I'm pretty sure we found the bumpiest trail known to man, and it made us both nauseous, but it was totally worth it!  After that we decided to visit the wood shop where they have the most amazing bear carvings, aliens, asu sun devils, eagles and so much more.  We even learned that they will make you anything custom.  Josh wants them to make him a Thor end table for the mancave.  Then we visited the Bison Ranch shops where we got some delicious homemade apple butter and jam.  And the husband got some hilarious signs for the man cave.  We ate lunch at the Red Onion where they apparantly double charged our card, that was cool beans.  And later on we are going to make steaks for dinner.  Those are only for special occasions, so we're pretty excited about that.  And we might even make some S'mores in the fire pit if Smokey the Bear deems that an okay activity today.  Since I royally suck at picture taking, I only have one from off roading today.......but the day is not over yet, so there is a chance I might add a few more!
Thanks for a wonderful first year of marriage husband!! Can't wait for the adventure that the next year will bring!

Annual Christmas Baking/Shopping

Every year on the Friday after Thanksgiving, we bake Christmas cookies, make fudge and other cutesy Christmas food to give to friends and neighbors.  Last year I ruined that tradition since we needed about 1000 sugar cookies made for the wedding that was 5 days away......oops. HA!

This year, we made Hot Cocoa Balls, Chocolate Sugar Cookies (NOT recommended, they are gross), and regular sugar cookies.  I'm hoping to do some chocolate dipped pretzels with cute Christmas sprinkles too, but we'll see if I get around to that.......

We baked most of the day, from noon to about 9pm.  I thrououghly enjoyed it, obviously, since I was the only one around still decorating the cookies by the time they were done.

The Saturday after Thanksgiving we always take a shopping trip to get some Christmas shopping done.  The stores are generally empty on this day, because all the fools who were out for black friday are still sleeping.  And there are still some really great deals if you are willing to drive to a few stores.  There is nothing on the planet of earth that I need bad enough to wait in lines at midnight or to save $40 on....I think Black Friday is absolutely the dumbest thing on planet earth.  But whatever.  I officially wait until this day to break out any cheesy holiday tees.  I chose the Happy Who-lidays with Cindy Lou Who from the original Grinch by Dr. Seuss.  Hopefully I will find some more to add to my collection this year.

Our shopping trip was very much successful, I am waiting on 3 online orders and I want to pick up a 5 more small items when I have an evening off to get to the store and then we are completely DONE. YAY!  I've started wrapping gifts so there is something besides empty space under the tree.  I just love having the presents wrapped up and looking pretty well ahead of time!

Also, for the 2 people who read this......I'm trying to start a collection of Nativity themed ornaments.  They don't need to be overly expensive, I just want each one to be different.  If you are out doing Christmas shopping and happen upon some that look cute and aren't 15 dollars a piece, let me know please so I can travel to this establishment and buy them!

The countdown to anniversary is on!  Just 4 more days til I get a quiet weekend away!  Hopefully the Husband's present will get here in the mail before then and hopefully I'll have some inspiration for the poem to go with that just doesn't seem to be coming to me...

To squash a rumor

Well, the happy of thanksgiving is over.  Apparently after I left to head to my inlaws, my cousins had an argument about how PREGNANT i must be........REALLY COOL GUYS.  SO MATURE OF YOU.  Thankfully, my Grandmother has some class and said, "If she was pregnant enough to be showing, I would have known long before you.  And since I don't, I say she is not, so you can drop it."

So for anyone who was wondering if the 20 pounds I've gained since marriage is baby weight, it is NOT.

For anyone wondering if my distended bloated belly is baby growth, it is NOT.  If it was, believe me, I would have already told you.

I would not have wandered around pregnant enough to be showing without actually telling someone.

Idiots.

I'm 22

I turned 22 yesterday.......Doesn't really feel very exciting gotta tell ya!  I went to work for a half day and then spent the rest of my afternoon cleaning my Mom's house for Thanksgiving and baking rolls for like 17 hours...not really but I was up til 2am doing that....

The hubs bought me a winter jacket that counted as my anniversary present!  It's super nice, and it will be perfect for super cold and snowy weather.  I do not have any great winter coats.......I live in the desert, so this is a special treat.

He also got me a bunch of gift cards to go on dates and things at Hobby Lobby and Home Depot.  He loves me a lot.  He cutely painted, worte, drew, crafted, on the outside of each gift card.  He painted the envelope of the one for Home Depot, because he bought it so I could buy the paint I wanted.  He drew my name in chilies on the envelope for a date night to Chili's.  He's super cute!

He also took me out to dinner to Macayo's.  It is definitely one of my favorite Mexican restaurants, mostly because the Baja sauce is AMAZING.  Seriously, it is so good on everything.  I love that man.

I am anxiously awaiting our anniversary getaway.  I have ordered his gift, I'm just waiting for the pieces to come in.  I'm crossing my fingers they make it before we leave.  Can't wait to tell you about it when we get back.  I also have almost ALL of the Christmas shopping done.  I decorated the house for Christmas on the 17th.  I'm a little excited.  That, and I declared war on the crap month that it has been in November.

Hope everyone had a lovely Thanksgiving.  Ours was the same as always, just in a smaller number this year.  We only had 29 instead of like the normal 50.  We will hopefully do some annual cookie baking tomorrow and the rest of our Christmas shopping Saturday.  I'll keep you posted......hopefully.

When life decides to take a crap on you

I was hoping that I would have many happy things to update about here in the month of November........but this month decided to just take a crap on all of us in the Zahn-Hall family.  My sister moved out on her 18th birthday, in the middle of the day, completely unexpectedly, with no warning.  I work with my parents, so I see them every single day.  I will let you guess where she moved.  It's been really hard and heartbreaking, especially to see my parents a complete wreck like they are.  My dad crashed his new car that he bought 3 months prior.....they deemed it totaled.  Business is slower than we would hope for, and we all know what kind of stress that brings.  And to top all of it off, I have had massive nausea for 3 weeks.  Don't get excited, it's not THAT kind of nausea.  The smell of food makes my stomach turn......like it did 3 years ago.......i get like 4 bites into my dinner and it acts like it wants to come back up.......like it did 3 years ago.......I've lost 7 pounds in the last 3 weeks, but my belly is increasingly bloated.  Anyone else having Mono flashbacks yet?  I am more than not pleased.  I can't believe that I could possibly have to endure that again.  Definitely not cool.  I cannot 100% guarantee that this is exactly what's happening.....but I lived through it once so I'm pretty sure.  A blood test will definitely confirm both non functioning liver and an active mono virus floating around............and yippee I get to do that soon.  I am actually really excited about getting that started.  If you have never heard of Dr. Greg Allen at Deseret Aesthetics, you are missing out on a really cool Doc, and a really great thing for your body.  They have a really great natural hormone therapy program.  Everyone is lacking in hormones and other vitamin crap your body needs, but it's hard to get it in the foods we eat etc.  His pills, creams, etc are all natural so I'm game for that.  I was seeing a naturopath last year and it helped some, but never very much.  We also never did a hormone test, her first concern was to make sure I didn't end up with that nasty acid rash again with all the stress leading up to the wedding.  I didn't have one so yay there, but my body is just completely destroyed from mono.  I've had endometriosis since I started being a female......so cool beans, but Mono made it SIGNIFICANTLY worse.  I can sit still in my chair, or lay in bed, and my cramps are so intense I can black out without moving.  It's a serious talent.  My hair, my nails, my skin, my metabolism, my energy, my everything has pretty much 100% sucked since Mono.  I hate it, but I've just learned to live with it.  My hormones are most definitely whack, I've had issues with cysts on and off this year and the worsened endometriosis is also a clue.  The cysts and endometriosis by themselves would make it hard enough to have kids when we can finally afford to do so.......I would have been pregnant ages ago, but even if we were in a position to afford it, it could take months or even years of trying.  I was more than disappointed to learn THAT. lemme just tell ya.  Seriously bummed.  I've been trying to come to terms with that and deal with it, but it just bums me out, so I'm not really dealing with  it.  It is the goal with the new hormone program that we could reverse the effects of endometriosis and eventually eliminate it completely.  With the right amount of hormones, etc., my body would function properly and there would be no endometriosis problem because there would be no hormone problem.  This would also help reduce some risk of miscarriage once I could actually get pregnant.  Hopefully it really will work.  I would be super even more bummed if it took years to get pregnant.  I can't wait for the day that we can finally be at the point where we can really say it's time.  Financially, I think we won't be....which sucks, but it is what it is.  I get really tired of people telling me that we should wait for years and spend time as a couple.  That's not what WE want, and WE are the bosses, we just can't afford to be the bosses of that right now.  Oh well, all in due time I guess.

Don't piss me off andddd How in the heck can jeans be so ridiculously different sizes??

If you don't want to hear the rantings of a lunatic, I would skip down about 5 or 6 paragraphs to the part where I tell the story of how being married makes you fat.........it's not a whole lot more exciting, but it isnt' so full of yelling........
Okay so at this current moment my blood is BOILING and I have to vent somewhere or I WILL EXPLODE.  I promise I have been spending the last few days gathering pictures for another update post.  But this first cause its consuming my brain.  Now, just to clarify, I am not trying to be a vindictive jerk, I apologize in advance for any foul language I don't catch before I post this, there is an ounce of truth in everything, but most of this is coming from a place of high blood pressure and surpressed pissed off-ness.  In fact, if you want to skip this, I will in no way be offended.  I will probably look back on this one day and think it was just straight up stupid.  But in THIS moment, I do not feel bad......SO.
NOTHING in this world makes my blood boil more than someone telling me how to live MY, in case you read that wrong that was M.Y. as in Alycia Zahn's PERSONAL life........okay so that ANDDDD someone who has been talking about how I should be living my life to someone else behind my back and then fronting that it's all fine and dandy and then the other someone else letting it slip that it is not and telling me in a not so discreet way that that's how EVERYONE thinks I should be living MYYYYYYYYY life. Everyone should be SO glad that I do not have great arm muscles, that two fingers on my right punching hand are swollen and can't be made into a fist since I jacked them up at work.........VERY glad.
SINCEEEEEE we are on the subject of my ranting...........EVERYONE needs to stop telling me when they think I should have children.  Your opinions are unwanted and unneccesary.  If I wanted to know what you thought the timeline of my life should be, I WOULD HAVE ASKED YOU.  I do not give you unneccessary or unwarranted advice/how you should live your life timelines.  Quite frankly, I do not give a rat's behind how you live your life, that's YOUR problem, not mine.  If you need help or advice, I will gladly give my best answer from my own experiences......
This goes against everything I am trying to be right now.  I am trying to be more patient, more humble, more calm, less blood-pressure-through-the-roof-pissed-off about things, but THIS particular subject puts knots in my stomach and makes me blow steam out my ears.  It takes all of my strength and every ounce of will power I have ever had EVER to NOT yell at people or punch someone in the face, and it's always at the times in which I cannot do these things that the subject is brought up.  So i have to smile, and come up with the sweetest sing songy BSSS answer. UGH. My head still feels like its going to explode, but I'm a little better.


Since this post is on the negativity train at the moment, can I just say that we had to get dressed up today and I did not fit in ONE, not one, single pair of dress pants, nor skirts, nor any of my dresses.  I wanted to sit down on the floor and cry myself into a puddle and then just fall over and die in my bed.  We don't own a scale in this house, but I'm pretty sure I've gained almost 25 pounds in the last year.  and 25 pounds doesn't seem like a whole lot, and people always tell me how i look "skinny".......but let's be real.  I am not.  I have not bought new clothes since my sophmore/junior year of high school.  At that point I was at my peak weight (117), and then senior year I lost 20 pounds due to sickness.......no need for new clothes there, and since then I've been gainging weight back, so again, no new clothes needed.  Saturday, I ripped my very last pair of jeans. Which means I HAD to face the reality that i was ACTUALLY too fat for my size 3's.....sad day.  Now, some of this is large in part due to the fact that when I turned twenty my hips magically decided to expand horizontally as if it would one day be necessary to birth an elephant and not a small human, but ya know, whatev.  The pants were tight, but they still FIT until I gained an extra twenty pounds....blah.  So last night the hubs and i went and bought some new jeans. I went to womens first, and got some 4's, because i haven't shopped for jeans in 5 years and 3's don't fit, so I figured 4's would.....logical right? i thought. since juniors was right next door, i also picked up some 5's to try on, thinking they might also be the perfect size.......well let me just tell you, after trying on 7 thousand pairs.......the 4's were straight up 7 of me in one pair of pants, like no joke, I would have had to weight like50 pounds more to keep them from falling off, no joke.  I could fit another 3 legs and my arms in those things.......as for the 5's......I ended up in 7's to get them on, but i wore a pair today and after about 6 hours they were like the saggy baggy elephant bottom......ugh I cannot win.  Guess it's time to jillian michael's it up in this house, eat salad  all day err day...and whatever other wacky worky outy things i should be doing. I am going to be serious about this, even though I haven't been the last 6 months, cause i just can't stand it any more.  I DO NOT like shopping and I DO NOT want to have to go buy all new clothes because I'm too big of a fatso to fit in my skinny clothes.  I refuse to buy anything larger than medium until I am a pregnant whale.......hopefully I can keep up with that promise.  Here goes....

MIA

Welllllll........here i am again. let's just pretend it hasn't been 100 years, shall we? it would make me feel like i don't have to apologize.....and it would mean I can deny the fact that i have royally sucked at documenting life the last year......oh well.  A brief recap i guess?
We bought a new car in March, built a new patio in May, took a trip to California in May, new car was in a wreck in July, took a trip to California again the end of September and here we are now in October..... when I saw it that way it certainly seems less busy.... But it has been everything but that around here.  We have been working between  50 and 60 hours consistently, each and every week.  We usually work on Saturdays and a good 3 or 4 nights in the week.  Sunday is usually our only day off, and quite frankly, by the time I am done with all of the chores and laundry and all the other crap I never got to in the week, I don't have much time to blog, nor do i have the energy!  That and I clearly suck at documenting any life through photography.......we took two vacations and I have like 6 pictures to show for it......eesh.  Since I discovered Instagram, I have been much better about taking pictures, but it's usually nothing of great importance or value, and it usually does not contain me or the husband.......so failllll once again.  Oh well.  To follow up this post, I'm going to add a few of the pictures I've taken just so that they are somewhere......

Honeymoon Pics

Here are some Honeymoon pics for anyone who reads this and does not have a facebook.........and for me one day when i decide to ACTUALLY document on a fairly regular basis.  It would be nice to have a journal that I can easily flip to online........minus that part where i never "write" in it. My bad..... anyway, this place has been busy lately so I am going to do my best to get some posts up this weekend. They may all be labeled "JUNE" but at least they are here :)

hubs and our cute towel on day 1

okay so this cheesecake was actually 4 layers and covered in strawberries. i think it weighed as much as me but boy was it delicious

our balcony

cabo

the couch that i will one day own

the "amazing" ficus

the canyon on our safari tour

turtle beach

our tour guide!

josh making me a tortilla

me taking said tortilla as instructed by the tour guide

the giant bus/tank

the lady could not get our picture right, every single one has her finger in it.....

favorite. so cute

our lunch view. had the whole balcony to ourselves

our INCREDIBLE lunch

josh thought this was hilarious

reflection picture

mini golf on the top deck

my love

hubs whoopin my butt at mini golf

gorgeous sunset from the top deck

just kidding, this one was really my favorite

gorgeous stormy day we watched from our balcony

our room

disney all lit up for christmas!

oh hey nemo! thanks for the memories

autopia-man we were tired!

me in my cute tee from Lindsey Carter

hubs!

so sad uncle rob isn't here

more sad

even more sad

happy pic cause wife said so

here is a video of some dolphins we watched from the balcony, definitely the tail end of their little pod cause there were like 20 before i ran to get the camera.  we also saw a whale but couldn't catch that in time!