hmm...

hmmm is how i feel at the current moment, well hmm is my excuse for not knowing how to fully describe all the thoughts in my poor little brain actually.  have you ever been just totally and completely confused and bewildered and lost and lonely and sad and upset and overwhelmed at once? that would pretty much sum up the interior workings of my brain right at this moment i think.  i don't think i can fully articulate them, it's just one of those things....i am a fix it person, and i am currently in a situation that i have no real control over, which therefore limits my ability to "fix" like a normally do.  this is a somewhat difficult thing for me to fix, especially in my first born "have to have it right" personality.  sometimes i want to curse my birth order personality, today is one of those days.  i also feel like this is maybe a learning moment where i should hand the reigns over the the man upstairs and let Him guide me through.  i trust him, but somehow i still seem to be having trouble letting go-stupid human-ness sometimes, i know what is best for me, but somehow i can't seem to fully detach, i feel like there's something more i'm supposed to be doing, but i think in actuality i'm actually getting in the way more than anything.  it doesn't help that jz is struggling just as much or more.  it is kinda just an ugly rut for both of us i think.  but to be completely honest, it is hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel, and it scares me.  i am so unsure of everything right now.  we both are.  its like the last two months have been bad news and lots of unexpected curve balls that have totally wrecked us, i'm sure there is something good to come out of it, but sometimes when you look at it, it feels like the good may never come and you don't know how much more you can really handle before you just completely break down.  lets hope that we can at least hold on another 26 days.....it is extremely crucial....more crucial than most human minds can comprehend.  it will be necessary for more than just the simple fact of a vacation and a weekend get away, it will be a confidence booster for the man, or at least a glimmer of one hopefully, and a relationship rebuilding, not so much rebuilding, more like just quality bonding? i'm not sure of the word i'm really looking for here, its time for us to just be and forget the yucky hard stuff and just be and have fun.  i'm not completely sure how to pull it off quite yet, but i think i'll be working some overtime hours to swing some kind of fun activity/double date thing with a bud and his girlfriend to help get the boys mind off of the ugly at least for those 4 days.  then the last few weeks of the semester and season will hopefully be a little more bearable.  honestly if it doesn't work, i'm afraid of what might happen, and i'd rather not even touch on that cause it scares me more than i can put in words.
on a similar note, hopefully i don't get in trouble for this later, but currently i'm pretty sure only 2 people read this so i'm probably safe........how long do you do something to please someone else before it becomes unhealthy for you?  i mean honestly, if you are only doing something for someone else, that you purely hate, should you really do it? i guess the real question is more like, how do you help support someone who feels like doing the thing is the only option?  it is something i am working on, my "first born fix it" side says that there are lots of options and that regardless of what someone else thinks, there are always ways to make it work if you stop doing the thing you didn't want to do in the first place, but then the other side of me says, its better to stay out of it and just support and hold a hand and keep encouraging........sometimes i would really love a simpler decision instead of a hard one, like one day where my biggest decision ALL day would be which toothpaste box i think looked nicest and that would therefore influence my buying decision.......HA :) that probably is more than ridiculous, but i have to admit, i think that would be more than a lovely day!
sorry for the lengthy post, but this was intended for my thoughts, so this is what you get :) i think maybe after all of this thinking it's time for some prayer and bed, tomorrow is a new day at least, and maybe i will successfully find an answer when i quit looking so hard.  i'm starting small, i think, finding God in one small thing each day that i don't normally notice or look for, and one thing i tend to under-appreciate each day i will make sure i acknowledge and be thankful for.  it is a start at least in a positive direction, and that is always a good thing :)